To My Son and My Daughter.

Shaylee Mays, (we didn’t have a middle name figured out yet..)

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I never got to see you. Maybe on that sonogram but that machine was so old and used up. But even then, I thought you were so beautiful. Something in my gut tells me that when I was pregnant the first time, you were going to be a girl. Mommy instinct, I suppose. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years since I made that awful decision. I pray and hope all the time that you forgive Mommy for her stupid mistake. Don’t ever think Mommy didn’t love you because I love you with all of my heart. I thought I was making the right decision for both of us and our health, but I was lied to and I was wrong and I am so sorry. I call you my Butterfly all the time. The reason behind it is because I had lost you but I kept holding on to you, crying every day and night, but I realized like a butterfly.. I couldn’t keep holding on to you. I needed to let you fly and be free. You know I see a butterfly at least once a day. I believe it’s you saying “hello” to me and I always smile and say “hi” to the butterfly. That happened today and if that was you, thank you for visiting me baby. It made my whole day. I missed you. I remember the first time I had the “feeling” I was pregnant. It was New Years Eve. 2010 was over. I didn’t know why I felt that way, it would be too early to tell. You were probably only 3 or 4 weeks along in my tummy at that point. I remember taking the pregnancy test in January, the second week to be specific. It looked like there was a faded pink second line indicating that I was pregnant but I couldn’t believe it with my own eyes so your father and I went to a pregnancy center the next day. I was expecting to hear them say “I’m sorry, you must have read the test wrong.” Boy, was I wrong. They come back and say “You are indeed pregnant. You’re probably only 4-5 weeks along, the second line was very light.” I was in complete shock. The first thing I did was call your grandmother and tell her the news. I was crying. I was scared yet so happy. Do not blame your grandmother for this either, please. She thought she was doing the right thing because your father.. He is not a good person. At least to your Mommy he wasn’t. The day I lost you, I didn’t want to do it. The doctors could tell I just wanted to run out of there screaming “No! I am not going to hurt my baby!” but I didn’t. I was so scared. Baby, I cannot repeat it enough. I am so sorry. The day I meet you in heaven, I will take you into my arms and hold you for as long as I can and tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am. I love you so very much, sweetie, more than you will ever know. Please take care of your little brother.

Shayden James Kaelan Mays,

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My little Sea Monkey. You held on and fought as hard as you could baby, but for some reason I do not know.. God needed you more than I did. You weren’t that much older than your sister when she was taken. Your father and I were completely heartbroken when we found out your little heart was no longer beating. I remember the first time I saw you. It was the best and worst day of my life. Best because I saw you, your sweet little head that I couldn’t wait to kiss was so visible and so tiny and so adorable. Your heart was not. I remember praying so hard that your little heartbeat would soon be found but after 20 minutes of trying, we couldn’t find anything. I felt as if my body and soul had been shattered. It hurts right now to even talk about it. You’re my handsome little man. You’d be 2 right now if you were here with me. Baby, I can’t wait to meet you. Just like your sister, I’m gonna hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you. I wish so badly that you had pulled through and made it but the doctors said it wasn’t my fault or yours. Something chromosomal didn’t quite add up right and my body self aborted you. You weren’t healthy, baby. You probably wouldn’t have had an easy life. Now you’re in heaven, and I hope you are so happy. I hope you had met your great Granny. I know if you both have met her, she is taking good care of you and loving you until I can get there and do it myself. 

My sweet babies, I love you both so much. And yes, your Daddy and I are no longer together. And we do not get along and we do not talk. But don’t ever think for one second that we regret you or that we don’t love you. Your Daddy loves you both so much and I know he misses you. Just like Mommy does. And just like me, when he gets up there and finally meets you both he will be the best Daddy to you both. 

I love you. I always will. Watch over Mommy.

Hello.

Well, this is my first official tumblr. I have made a couple before but I could never get into it and I would end up forgetting about it. I was told that this could be useful for getting my thoughts and feelings out. So that is exactly what I’m gonna do. I don’t really expect to get followers or for my entries to ever even be read. But if you are reading this, let me introduce myself.

Hi, my name is Rachel. I am 22 years old. I live in Texas and I’m a country girl at heart. I was raised in a small town called Dublin from when I was 2 to when I turned five. Then my dad got a new job in a place called Fort Worth so we packed up and moved and I’ve been here ever since. Same house, too. What I remember most about living in Dublin is how quiet it was. You hardly ever heard a car drive by and if you did, it was the neighbors coming home. I never heard a police or ambulance siren when I lived there. I lived right next door to my Granny and Papa. My granny died in 2002 of breast cancer. I miss her everyday. I didn’t have the best childhood. My mother and I were emotionally and physically abused by my father until I turned 18 years old and my mother finally had enough and divorced him. It’s safe to say I have daddy issues and they play into my life today. I have built walls so high only a few have been able to knock them down long enough to get inside. My father has called me every name you can think of. Bitch, slut, cunt, ugly, but the one that always hurt the most was “mistake”. That lead me to being insecure of myself. If my own father doesn’t accept me, who on God’s earth would? I constantly try to better myself. I don’t feel comfortable if people see me without make up. I’m a mess. And it’s only recently I decided to find help for myself to clean up my mess. My boyfriend who I fell deeply in love with, the first person I’ve really experienced real love with, was pushed away by my issues. He tells me “We are on a break” and there could be a chance that I could get him back, but first I need to finally fix my issues. I can’t blame him and I don’t. I understand where he is coming from. I have so much motivation to want to change.. My family, my friends, and him. My family because I don’t want to push them away. Same for my friends. And same for him, and also in hopes of getting him back.

I was told that I should write down my goals. What I want to change and what I want to happen. And once I feel truly in my heart that I have accomplished it, I will mark it off my list but never forget what I had to do in order to fix it. So, here goes.

  • Stop being insecure over anything.
  • Forgive myself of my mistakes that I made in the past.
  • Forgive others who have hurt me.
  • Break down my walls.
  • Do not hold my fears against others just because of what others in my past have done to me.
  • No more irrational fears.
  • Be happy, grateful, and pleasant to be around.
  • No more sadness, unless it’s reasonable.

8 big steps that I have to take. But I am willing to do them for the ones I love and don’t want to lose.

Ways I have been improving so far.

  • I have started doing yoga 30 minutes a day.
  • Whenever I feel anxious or nervous or a bad thought is trying to sneak into my mind to make me feel insecure, I take 10-15 deep, slow breaths. So far, it has worked.
  • If/when I have a concern that I’m not sure I should approach (because it may be petty) I will write it down on here and think about it for a few days and if it still bothers me, then I know that maybe it is worth discussing with someone.

Short list, but it’s better than being empty. I’m taking it a day at a time but I do feel a little bit of a difference in myself so far. And I am going to practice one of those right now:

Honestly, it feels like if I didn’t text him first.. We would never talk. Every morning, I wake up hoping he has left me a message. A simple “Good morning” or “Hope you slept well” or “Hello” would more than likely plaster a huge smile on my face. Whenever I do text him, sometimes he doesn’t reply. I’ll wait a little while because hey, maybe he’s busy. A few times, I’ve been wrong.. He just didn’t reply. I can tell you right now two of the most horrible feelings in the world. Losing someone you love, and being ignored by someone you love.

I want so badly to go up to him, grab his face with my hands, and kiss the hell out of him. Then look him in the eyes and say “I love you from the bottom of my heart. I can’t even find the appropriate words to put in a sentence that would describe my amount of love I have in my heart for you. Can’t you see that I’m trying so hard? Do you even want me anymore? Do you even love me anymore?”

I have wanted a chance with this man for over a year. I finally get one and what do I do? Mess it up.

I don’t want to put the blame on anyone for my actions, but I can’t help but wonder.. Dad do you see what you have done to me? All your punches, choking, throwing, hitting, pushing, name calling, everything you have done has affected me so much in my life that I am miserable. Why couldn’t you have just loved me the way a father should? Held me when I cried, not choked me. Scared the monsters in my closet away, not tell me to grow up. Told me I did great at the basketball game, not that I didn’t do this and that good enough. LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME. You made me so insecure of myself, I find a flaw in every part of my body. You made me feel like I’m not good enough, so I struggle to be the best. I’ve lost friends because of pushing them away and building my walls up so high they can’t break them down. Why? Because I’m scared of getting hurt again. Letting someone in that I trust and end up getting hurt. Just like you did me. You’re my father, the one who is supposed to protect me. Not the one who inflicts the pain on me. I forgive you because there is no point in holding a grudge. Plus, the damage is already done. But mark me, I will fix the damage. I will heal my wounds and stop letting them bleed. I will sew my heart back together. I will break down my walls and let people in.

That’s enough for now. My mind isn’t racing so fast anymore. I’ll post more later.

-Rachel