Shaylee Mays, (we didn’t have a middle name figured out yet..)
I never got to see you. Maybe on that sonogram but that machine was so old and used up. But even then, I thought you were so beautiful. Something in my gut tells me that when I was pregnant the first time, you were going to be a girl. Mommy instinct, I suppose. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years since I made that awful decision. I pray and hope all the time that you forgive Mommy for her stupid mistake. Don’t ever think Mommy didn’t love you because I love you with all of my heart. I thought I was making the right decision for both of us and our health, but I was lied to and I was wrong and I am so sorry. I call you my Butterfly all the time. The reason behind it is because I had lost you but I kept holding on to you, crying every day and night, but I realized like a butterfly.. I couldn’t keep holding on to you. I needed to let you fly and be free. You know I see a butterfly at least once a day. I believe it’s you saying “hello” to me and I always smile and say “hi” to the butterfly. That happened today and if that was you, thank you for visiting me baby. It made my whole day. I missed you. I remember the first time I had the “feeling” I was pregnant. It was New Years Eve. 2010 was over. I didn’t know why I felt that way, it would be too early to tell. You were probably only 3 or 4 weeks along in my tummy at that point. I remember taking the pregnancy test in January, the second week to be specific. It looked like there was a faded pink second line indicating that I was pregnant but I couldn’t believe it with my own eyes so your father and I went to a pregnancy center the next day. I was expecting to hear them say “I’m sorry, you must have read the test wrong.” Boy, was I wrong. They come back and say “You are indeed pregnant. You’re probably only 4-5 weeks along, the second line was very light.” I was in complete shock. The first thing I did was call your grandmother and tell her the news. I was crying. I was scared yet so happy. Do not blame your grandmother for this either, please. She thought she was doing the right thing because your father.. He is not a good person. At least to your Mommy he wasn’t. The day I lost you, I didn’t want to do it. The doctors could tell I just wanted to run out of there screaming “No! I am not going to hurt my baby!” but I didn’t. I was so scared. Baby, I cannot repeat it enough. I am so sorry. The day I meet you in heaven, I will take you into my arms and hold you for as long as I can and tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am. I love you so very much, sweetie, more than you will ever know. Please take care of your little brother.
Shayden James Kaelan Mays,
My little Sea Monkey. You held on and fought as hard as you could baby, but for some reason I do not know.. God needed you more than I did. You weren’t that much older than your sister when she was taken. Your father and I were completely heartbroken when we found out your little heart was no longer beating. I remember the first time I saw you. It was the best and worst day of my life. Best because I saw you, your sweet little head that I couldn’t wait to kiss was so visible and so tiny and so adorable. Your heart was not. I remember praying so hard that your little heartbeat would soon be found but after 20 minutes of trying, we couldn’t find anything. I felt as if my body and soul had been shattered. It hurts right now to even talk about it. You’re my handsome little man. You’d be 2 right now if you were here with me. Baby, I can’t wait to meet you. Just like your sister, I’m gonna hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you. I wish so badly that you had pulled through and made it but the doctors said it wasn’t my fault or yours. Something chromosomal didn’t quite add up right and my body self aborted you. You weren’t healthy, baby. You probably wouldn’t have had an easy life. Now you’re in heaven, and I hope you are so happy. I hope you had met your great Granny. I know if you both have met her, she is taking good care of you and loving you until I can get there and do it myself.
My sweet babies, I love you both so much. And yes, your Daddy and I are no longer together. And we do not get along and we do not talk. But don’t ever think for one second that we regret you or that we don’t love you. Your Daddy loves you both so much and I know he misses you. Just like Mommy does. And just like me, when he gets up there and finally meets you both he will be the best Daddy to you both.
I love you. I always will. Watch over Mommy.